The Girls

I have two daughters— a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old and although their names are Alexandra (Alex) and Charlotte (Charley) everyone insists on referring to them as “the girls.”

While it’s a totally reasonable (and very accurate) description of them, no matter who says it (my mom, my boss, my husband, my priest, the guy who works the deli counter at the Acme) as soon as I hear it, I immediately think that they are talking about my boobs.

Awwwwwkward.

To illustrate this point, here’s a list of things people have said to me recently about the girls. (I mean my daughters. Not my boobs. You know, just in case you needed clarification. See how confusing it can get?)

Anyway, as you read each quote, just replace “the girls” with “your boobs” and you’ll start to understand the gravity of the situation. 

“Wow! The girls are getting so big.”
“Saw a picture of the girls on Facebook. They’re almost the same size!”
“The girls are the spitting image of your husband.”
“I miss the girls so much. I just want to squeeze them!”
“The girls were amazing last night—they’re so well behaved!”
“You should feed the girls before we leave. They look hungry.”
“Let’s Facetime! I haven’t seen the girls in forever.”
“We should give the girls a bath tonight. We don’t want them to look sloppy for their Christmas photos.”
“Have you introduced the girls to Santa yet?”
“My parents can’t wait to play with the girls.”
“The girls are so snuggly.”
“You look exhausted. Let me handle the girls while you sleep.”

And, I wasn’t kidding about the deli worker at the Acme who knows my two-year old has an affinity for processed meat and said, “Where are the girls today? The salami is waiting!”

Yeah, like I said, awkward.

I’m just glad I’m not the father of two boys.

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THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#249)

This morning I looked down at my coffee and it was like, “You haven’t written a useless shit list in how long!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”


So here it is…#249. If you hate it, blame Tim Horton. (Great coffee, by the way.)

THE SLEEPING DEAD
The Walking Dead was so boring this week that I had to reduce my commentary to a bullet point in this list:.

First, did I sleep through the scene where Negan ripped off Rick’s balls and put them on a shelf in next to the Governor’s decapitated head collection?

Negan took his guns, his mattresses and most of his medicine. And what did Rick do? He thanked him!

“Carl, where’s my balls?”

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“I think they’re gone, Dad.”

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Second, maybe it’s what’s happening in the world right now but when Rick said to the townspeople, “I’m not in charge anymore…” Am I the only one who thought he was going to follow that up with, “Trump is?”

Third, at the end of this episode, Rick told us that Judith is not his baby.

Duh.

GUM GANG
I was on my way to work this morning when I saw a van with the words “Gum Gang” written in big letters on the door.

Do you think it was supposed to be “Gun Gang” and when the gang leader picked up his van from the detailer he threw his hands in the air and was like, “Great! Who let the guy with the speech impediment call for the logo!?”

I can only imagine that call:
“You mean gun gang?”
“That’s what I said, gum gang!”

I didn’t take a picture of the van because if it really is a Gum Gang, I don’t want to mess with them. There’s nothing worse than trying to peel Hubba Bubba out of your hair.

MY SWEET HUBAND
Tom said to me this morning, “You’d be a lot prettier if I didn’t have to see your stupid face every day.” And again I ask, where’s the ban on straight marriage?

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
I don’t know what’s more horrifying, the fact that Amazon sells a Chinese soup container filled with 1,500 live ladybugs, or the fact that there are only 2 left in stock.

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Somewhere in the world there must be an insect rights group up in arms about this. Actually, they’re probably busy fighting for Donald Trump right now.

AND NOW, THE BLOGGER BRILLIANT IDEA OF THE WEEK  (brought to you by, me)

Ahhhhhhhhhh fucking politics, right?! Copy and paste the status update below into your preferred social media platform and let’s get back to knowing too much about each other’s lunch choices and foot rashes…

#Spewlove // You’re totally sick of angry political posts, right? Me too. So this is my last ditch effort at getting social media back to annoying pics of babies you’ll never meet, puppies you don’t want and bullshit status updates about how wonderful everybody’s life is.

Copy and paste this into your status, post 3 photos that make you smile (and have nothing to do with the election) and tag 3 of your closet friends that you know will do the same.

P.S. If you do this, don’t tag me. I hate doing this shit. But YOU totally should do it because just like my theory about getting a flu shot–if everyone around me does it, I don’t have to.

Want to be featured on The Spew? Like me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter (see how I did that?) then I’ll like/follow you back so I can read your awesome posts every day. You can also send nominations to me here. Please note: While this honor doesn’t come with anything of any real value, it does come with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re amazing.

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#SpewLove

Ok, I get it. You’re pissed that Donald Trump won. Or, you’re pissed that everyone else is pissed that Donald Trump won. Either way, all of this hate has to end before someone loses an eye. (The Walking Dead showed us how horrible that can be).

If you’re upset that Hillary lost then continue to peacefully protest, write intelligent letters to people who matter, sign petitions, join support groups, throw a wine and cheese pity party and cry with your closest friends, laugh at Internet memes (but only the ones that are clever and make sense). Here’s my fave:

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But whatever you do, please don’t poop on the American flag or set fire to a Trump supporter’s house. Be smart about the way you protest or you’re no better than the jerk you’re protesting.

If Trump was your guy then it’s your civic duty to prove to the world that not all of you are deplorable. I have faith that the majority of you are just hard working Americans desperate for a change that Hillary did not represent to you. So be proud that you won but if you see one of your fellow Trump-ites being a racist, homophobic, sexist asshole, step up. That fucker is making you look bad.

No matter what side you’re on, all of the hate that this election has spawned is terrifying and we need to work together to make America KIND again.

Let’s start by spewing love instead of hate on our social media feeds. At least once every day use your preferred social media platform to post something that will give the world a warm and fuzzy feeling, even if it’s just for a moment, and tag it with #SpewLove.

If can be anything—a video of a baby laughing, a photo of a pile of sleeping puppies, a beautiful sunset, an anecdote about how you helped a Trump or a Hillary supporter cross the street, an old couple holding hands (who doesn’t love that?), a shirtless fire fighter (ok, that’s for me), a blue cheese heart swirl in your hot sauce.

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In time, just like in Ghostbusters 2, our collective voices will stop the evil slime and bring us higher and higher (and maybe even animate the Statue of Liberty!):

Or, at the very least, it will make logging onto social media more bearable.

Who’s with me? I already started.

Facebook
Instagram
#spewlove

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The Walking Dead, Season 7, Episode 3 Review

Here’s this week’s list of things from The Walking Dead that made me want to feed myself to a walker.

Who’s The Boss?!!
This episode started with the opening credits to the 80s sitcom, “Who’s The Boss?


Were the writers using symbolism to tell us that Negan’s the boss? Because, if so, I think we got the point when he bashed Glenn’s head in with a barbed wire bat. Did we really need Tony Micelli and his feather duster to drive home that point?

Or, maybe it was a tribute to Mona. She was walker-ish 30 years ago. By now, she must be dragging her leg around looking for some poor kid to eat for lunch in the backwoods of Atlanta. Right?

Or, maybe they were trying to show us the true horror of the zombie apocalypse because the only thing worse than having to shoot your best friend in face to keep him from eating yours, is living in a world where the only thing to watch are Who’s The Boss? VHS tapes.

That totally awesome 80s montage!
I bet someone from the network called the writer’s room and said, “Sooooo research shows that we may have stayed on Glenn’s mangled eye for just a beat too long. We need to lighten the mood this week. How about turning the opening scene into an 80s montage? We think it will really add some fun to watching a hungry burn victim steal food.”

Darryl’s Spa
Please! He had a private suite with free dog food and music entertainment! In some countries this is a treat. Americans are so whiney. 

If they really wanted to torture him they should have forced him to watch Fuller House on Netflix. Or Season 2 of The Walking Dead (we get it, you’re on a farm!) Or anything produced by Ryan Murphy. 

Dwight’s Wife
I’m so confused. Did Negan steal Dwight’s wife? Or did Dwight trade her for an egg sandwich?


Tom would totally trade me for an egg sandwich—especially in a zombie apocalypse. And I wouldn’t blame him. My idea of roughing is not being able to fast forward through the commercials. I’m sure after a few days of listening to me whine all it would take for him to leave me on The Saviors doorstep would be the promise of some Cheetos and a luke warm beer. And honestly, I’d be fine with that because look at Dwight’s wife. She obviously has access to mascara and smoothing serum for her hair. 

Does snot smell?
I watched this whole episode while I was horribly congested and I couldn’t stop wondering: Has anyone with a cold ever retained their sense of smell long enough to know if snot has an odor? It’s a logical question, no?


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THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 7, EPISODE 2 REVIEW

Here are 5 things that made me want to feed myself to a walker on this week’s The Walking Dead.

1. TONY THE TIGER
It’s mind blowing how the same people who can make a decaying cannibalistic corpse eating someone’s intestines look like a clip from a National Geographic nature film can’t create a tiger that doesn’t look like a cartoon. I was waiting for it to hand Carol a bowl of cereal and say, “They’re grrrrrreat!”

2. THEY USED RICK’S SEXY VOICE AGAINST US
How many times last week did you turn the TV on and hear Rick say in his sexiest voice, “I’m not in charge anymore. Negan is.” That promo had me ready for another vomit inducing, brain-bashing episode.

I wanted to see Rick feed Carl to a horde of walkers. Or Negan feed Carl to a horde of walkers. Or Carl feed himself to a horde of walkers. Instead, all I got was a early 2000 CGI tiger and a pomegranate.

3. SPEAKING OF POMEGRANATES…
Who the hell wants to eat a pomegranate in the zombie apocalypse? Like a person who’s been living off of beans and Bisquick for six months has the energy to spend four hours digging out those annoying little seeds only to be left with this mess when they’re done. I think I see Glenn’s eye in there. No thanks.

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 4. CAROL’S HOUSE HUNTING BALLS

I want Carol to be my realtor. 

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Only she has the guts (pun intended) to walk up to some poor guy’s house…

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bust in, stab him in the skull, bury him in the backyard…

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make a fire…

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then eat pomegranates with her new boyfriend.

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Which takes us to the most shocking part of the episode…

5. THE BIG TWIST
The whole thing was just a commercial for Old Spice.

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I hate this scarecrow.

I told Tom the stick was supposed to go in the ground. He didn’t listen. Now we have the creepiest scarecrow on the block because he’s a stalker. A stalker with a stick up his ass. The worst kind.

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And, it’s even creepier from the inside.

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Or maybe he’s not stalking us at all. Maybe he’s just being super judgmental. Like he’s thinking, Wow, this house could really use a paint job… and a new door. I gotta see what it looks like inside…

Ugh. I hate judgemental, stalker scarecrows.

UPDATE: He’s at the doctor’s office now too. Just staring…

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If you like this post, you’re probably just like the scarecrow and we should totally hang out and judge all the people we stalk on Facebook. But first you should vote for The Spew by clicking here….

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5 shades of coffee

I take my coffee beige. Not brown or ivory or that awful cadaver gray color you get when you use skim milk. And certainly not black—Jesus, who do I look like, Vin Diesel? I assume he takes his coffee black since his name perfectly describes the way it tastes.

Nope. I take my coffee beige—like if Bambi were a cup of coffee I’d enjoy her with a Krispy Kreme cruller in the morning.

But you might be asking, “Isn’t all coffee beige?”

NO!

Well, maybe. But not all coffee is Bambi Beige.

To prove this, I made this chart called 5 Shades of Coffee. It’s like the working mother’s version of that erotic romance novel/movie, 50 Shades of Grey—because, sadly, once you have babies, the most erotic moment in your life is that first sip of hot, steamy joe after pulling an all-nighter with a sleep-confused infant and a toddler who’s afraid of her nightlight.

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But the real question is: Can you identify the one that’s Bambi Beige? Here’s a hint: It’s the second one in from the left. More specifically…

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Did you guess it? Probably not. Coffee color blindness is the #1 cause of imaginary murder in the United States. I mean, who doesn’t spend all day thinking of ways to kill the pimply teen at Dunkin’ Donuts when he fucks up your coffee?

So, consider this post a PSA.

Below is a perforated version of The Spew’s 5 Shades of Coffee for you to print, laminate and keep in your wallet. Every morning as your buying your coffee, whip out this color chart and see if the coffee they hand you matches your version of the perfect cup. If not, throw your coffee in the face of the person who poured it for you. No, don’t do that. I’m totally kidding. (Kinda.) Instead, use it to point out the person’s mistake in a really obnoxious, condescending way until they pour you a new cup and apologize for almost ruining your day… or until they spit in it (you weren’t going to drink it anyway). Either way, you’ll feel vindicated that you stood up for your coffee preferences.

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You’re welcome America. And, you’re welcome pimply teen at Dunkin’ Donuts. I just saved you from getting imaginary killed at least 50 times today.

Oh, and because my husband insists that not everybody always needs to agree with me and that I should open my mind to other people’s opinions, here’s a poll for you:

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‘The Walking Dead,’ Season 7, Episode 1 Review (Kinda): Who’s got a pen?

Ok, so you watched the season premiere of The Walking Dead, right? Did you see that crazy scene when Negan was about to force Rick to cut off Carl’s arm and he asked that guy, Simon, for a pen…and he had one!?

Who the fuck has a pen in the zombie apocalypse?! I can’t find a pen in the pen aisle at Staples.

If Negan asked me for a pen in that moment I’d be like, “Ok, wait a minute, hold on. Let me look.” Then the whole time he was crouched beside Rick, I’d be rummaging through my purse pulling all kinds of shit out—like a baby sock, a shower cap, a ticket stub from that time I saw Titanic with my college roommate, a spork, twenty balled up Hersey kiss wrappers, an old scratch off lottery ticket worth $1, an expired hotel key card, maybe even a few ketchup packets but definitely not a pen.

Eventually I’d be like, “How’s eyeliner? Will that work? Oh wait. Forget it. This one needs to be sharpened. Anyone have a pencil sharpener? I can totally fix this.” Then the story would have went in a completely different direction when Negan chopped his own arm off and beat himself to death with it out of utter frustration.

I guess it makes sense to grab a pen in those first moments when the world ends but major props to that guy for thinking of it. I imagine that when everything went to shit and his neighbors started eating each other’s faces, he was like: I saw this movie, I should totally grab a pen just in case I have to write an SOS message from the rooftop of a mall. Or some psychopath with a bat wrapped in barbwire asks me to draw a line on some kid’s arm so his dad can chop it off.

Wow, Walking Dead, I totally wasn’t expecting that last night. It’s obviously going to be a mind-blowing season. In fact, I bet Glenn’s not really dead. I wouldn’t be surprised if he showed up next week—with a stapler.

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panffle or wafcakes?

Yesterday I asked, “Has anyone seen Alex’s hair tie?” My father-in-law looked down, thought for a moment then pointed to something on the floor, “Do you mean this black ring?”

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A few minutes later he held up and Alex’s hair clip and asked, “Did someone lose an earring?”

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At first I laughed at him because that’s my natural instinct when people make mistakes but then I thought, holy shit! This is a guy you want around in the zombie apocalypse. 

I like to know that when the beans and franks run out that I have someone on my team who will look at my flat iron (yes, I’d have it with me) and say, “Anyone using this defective waffle maker?” Then we’d all sit around eating hole-less waffles (which I think are just pancakes, right?)

A few minutes later he’d take a sip of my skin toner (yes, I’d have that too) and mix it with some tomato juice he found in a dumpster and say, “Not the strongest Bloody Mary I’ve ever made but it will do. Who’s in?” We’d all chug it and a few minutes later we’d probably die and turn into zombies because I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to drink skin toner. So on second thought, everyone should definitely avoid my father in-law in the zombie apocalypse.

Anyway, if you haven’t heard how excited I am that The Walking Dead premieres tonight then read yesterday’s post, I’m so excited I can eat my own brain.

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I’m so excited I can eat my own brain.

You guys, you guys, you guys! It’s The Walking Dead premiere weekend!

In case you’re new here, I’m completely obsessed with this show and the impending zombie apocalypse.

In fact, every time I exhibit bad mom behavior (like forgetting to feed them or something) I justify it by reminding myself that the baby on The Walking Dead can’t possibly eat every day and she seems just fine.

Who’s super excited to find out who Negan kills with that scary bat? I hope it’s Carl. I hate Carl. Or that dork with the mullet. Who’s cutting his hair in the zombie apocalypse, Joe Dirt?

Maybe Negan will bash his own brains in when someone asks, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from Grey’s Anatomy who was crying over Katherine Heigl? Where was Lucille when we all had to endure that?

Or more importantly, who else is super excited for Monday when you get to read The Spew‘s first Walking Dead episode review?

Wait, did I just commit to writing a review of every episode this season?

Crap. That’s gonna be a lot of work.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this incredibly deep thought because as much as I love the character, the plot and the zombies, this is really what consumes me (no pun intended, well maybe a little) as I watch every week.


Share it if you agree.

See you Monday!
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