I just went back to work after being on maternity leave for almost six months. When I got on the subway some dude made eye contact with me, nodded then pointed toward his crotch. I know what you’re thinking. Awesome. Right!? I still got it. But then I realized he was offering me his seat—which is so not awesome because it means that I either still look pregnant or that I look old.

So I went on a stern, 4 second rant with my eyes:

Nice, Buddy. Did your mother teach you to treat women like that? Maybe I gained a pound or two but at least I was creating a human rather than just mindlessly stuffing fistfuls of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups into my mouth. [Awkward pause] Oh shut up! Who told you that? Everything else gave me heartburn!

I’d like to see how you’d look if you had a human squatting in the lower half of your body for nine months (and actually it’s more like ten). And FYI, Reese’s only have 10 calories per cup. Ug! Fine 36.

The gym?! Oh sure, you think it’s that easy? Let me know the next time you take a spinning class. I’ll swing by repeatedly kick you in the bladder.

You should call your mother and apologize for being such an enormous douche bag disappointment.

Can you believe he got up anyway!? I was just about to flash an additional 2 second glare at him when the pregnant woman he was actually motioning to knocked me over to take his seat.

Crap.

Maybe this is how chivalry died—he toppled over in front of a speeding train after a postpartum lunatic with a self-esteem issue kicked him in the nuts. Sorry dude.