FAT FACE

Today is more of a plea than a post.

I know it’s cold outside. My mother calls me every morning panicked that the Siberian Winds are going to flash freeze my face.

So I get it. Wear a hat. A scarf. A polar bear on your back. Do whatever you need to do to keep from looking like one of those people who climbed Mt. Everest and came back with scabby lips and no feet. But please, for the love of the lord, make sure your scarf is not the same color as your face:

neck

[image via News 12 New Jersey]

(I blacked out his eyes. He’s endured enough humiliation)

At first I thought they were making another Shallow Hal and thought, “Hey! That’s not Gwyneth Paltrow.” Then I thought maybe it was a promo for TLC’s My 600-lb Life.

But nope.

It’s just some poor sap whose wife let him leave the house with an extra 50 pounds on his face. A simple, “Does this scarf make me look fat?” before he left may have solved the problem.

By the way, the same thing goes for tan yamakas. If you’re a man fortunate enough to have a full head of thick black hair please do not wear a tan yakama— with that scarf you’ll end up looking like the love child of Mama June and Danny DeVito.

1373990500_mama-june-4

And we shall call you MamaVito:

mamjune

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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