OCTOPUSSIES BEWARE

It’s happening. Buy the family sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Stock the wine fridge. Cue your horror movie marathon. The world as we know it is ending and the octopuses are taking over!

Yeah, you read that right. Octopuses. (Or is it octopi? It really doesn’t matter. Just run!)

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t deal well with things that have more than two legs—that includes pretty much anything at any zoo, all insects and spiders (which is a huge problem since one gets rid of the other), crabs, lobsters, starfish (don’t be fooled by their friendly shape) and, of course, the mother of all aquatic creepiness… octopuses. I suppose you can call me an Octopussy.

So how do I know they’re gearing up to take over the world? Well, if you haven’t noticed (which you probably haven’t because octopuses are slick like that) there’s been a lot of talk about them on the Internet lately.

It started last week with this guy who attacked the crab (which I sort of appreciate):

Then it continued when this slimy creeper tried to kill a bunch of tourists in Seattle (which I also kind of appreciate. Tourists are annoying):

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(Twitter/NBCBayArea)

Then MTV thickened the plot when they revealed that Squidward is not a squid at all but rather, you guessed it, an octopus!

Squidward Not A Squid

Coincidence!?!!?!?! I think…probably.

But none of it really meant anything until this happened:

Screen shot 2015-03-09 at 11.53.13 AM

You see it right? “Baby Octopus.”

I thought my six month old was just mindlessly slapping her hands on the keyboard until I examined her work and realized that she was actually warning us of the coming apocalypse led by the Cephalopod Mollusc (that’s fancy science language for octopus. I looked it up). Yes! It was either that or she copied and pasted our sushi order with a “command + V.” I do recall having a lovely baby octopus appetizer in the recent past.

Don’t be surprised if you see these dudes on the 10 o’clock news declaring world domination:

SimpsonsAliens

We’ve been studying the Mayans and Nostradamus all this time when it was really Matt Groening who knew the truth. Or maybe he is just an Octopussy.

Either way, I’m still stocking the wine fridge.

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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7 Responses to OCTOPUSSIES BEWARE

  1. Stop it!!!!! You’re killing me!!!! LOL (BTW…isn’t the plural of octopus, octopi????

    Like

  2. Nicki says:

    Isn’t Octopussy a person from James Bond?

    Like

  3. Annie says:

    Like my octopus lightly breaded and seasoned with some nice balsamic on the side. Cute story.

    Like

  4. Pingback: DON’T EAT DORITOS WHILE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH | The Spew

  5. Pingback: THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#248) | The Spew

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