Last night I had three minutes to catch the 6:10 home out of Penn Station and fight my way through the commuter apocalypse. (Yeah, those aren’t zombies Rick Grimes and the rest of The Walking Dead crew is brain bashing—they’re frustrated, sleep-deprived commuters trying to get to track one in time to get a seat.)
Anyway, I was fighting my way through the crowd when I got into an actual fight! I was shocked. Mostly because it was the first time I ever heard a commuter zombie speak. Usually they just stand in the middle of the hallway staring mindlessly at the schedule board then push their way onto the train and blow Dorito breath in my face for 37 minutes.
Not this one. She was feisty. She turned to me and said, “Stop pushing! I’m going to track 1 too, Bitch!” Now this is NJ Transit we’re talking about so imagine a zombie with jet-black hair and a Teresa Giudice accent.
I felt the blood rush to my face like I do when I’m ready to string a whole bunch of really mean, inappropriate words together—but for some reason I stopped myself. Maybe I was afraid she would eat my face. Or maybe I was worried I’d wake up with a horse head at the foot of my bed.
So instead I glared at her, waved my hand in the air and whispered, “thinner.” Like this:
Then I realized that only Stephen King fans would get that (and since I’m pretty sure he never had a show on Bravo she probably never heard of him. Plus, why should she get to be thinner?!) So I switched tactics and gave her the evil eye instead because what better way to piss off a North Jersey Italian mob zombie then with the evil eye?
Eventually, she got swept up into the crowd and we lost each other. I hope she ran into Daryl and called him a bitch and now he wears her ears around his neck.
Anyway, I’m not too sure why I’m telling you this. Maybe I needed a post for today. Or maybe it’s this: Don’t piss off a tired, bitchy, perpetually hungry, working commuter mom with a blog or else you’ll get blogged about. Yeah, that’s it. That’s definitely it. Take that bitch!