Have you seen her? Sarah Stage, the pregnant model with the six-pack abs? (Said through clenched teeth—mostly so I can block the Snickers bar I’m angrily trying to jam into my mouth.)
I know what you’re thinking, “That news was soooo last week.” Of course it was. I challenge anyone with an infant to read the news in a timely fashion. (By the way, did you hear that Joan Rivers died?!)
There’s nothing like getting five minutes to wipe the baby shit off your glasses and catch up on some serious world news at TMZ.com only to see a pregnant lady with a six-pack flashing her best Zoolander at you.
Notice how she only took frontal shots? That’s because she doesn’t want you to see you the pregnancy hemorrhoids that are gnawing away at that thong.
The Internet is appalled. According to everyone she’s actually an unfit mother—just not the kind that makes you feel better about yourself. But what’s worse is how she answered her critics. She put on sexy underwear and taunted them with a teddy bear sugar cookie. Or is that her phone? Either way I salivated. (Click here see the cookie).
Feminists, hold on to your Birkenstocks because I am on a mission to set women back. Wayyyyy back to a time when looking nine months pregnant was so totally hot. Because let’s be honest, this is when women were really liberated.
I’d give up my right to vote to gain forty pounds and shamelessly lay around wearing nothing but pearls and a doily while angels hold chocolate covered strawberries over my head and Christopher Columbus muddles some fresh guacamole for me (because clearly that’s what’s happening in this painting).
If Unfit Mommy and Jennifer Aniston would just let their asses go we could all enjoy a supersized meal now and again.
So ladies, let’s ban together and bring fat back. (Or is it back fat?) Oh and beheadings. We need to resurrect those too. I would totally behead Jennifer Anniston for perpetuating this hot body trend.
Marie Antionette stood up for women everywhere when she said, “Let them eat cake!” (She was probably sick of stashing Krispy Kremes in her corset.)