HEY, AT LEAST I HAVE ALL MY TEETH

It seems every time I log onto Facebook or Instagram one of these annoying inspirational memes pops up and tries to change who I am–Keep Calm & Focus On The Positive, Negativity Begets Negativity, If You Spent Less Time Bitching About Your Life You’d Enjoy It More.  Even Vanilla Ice is out to get me:

quote-Vanilla-Ice-negativity-spreads-faster-than-any-justin-bieber-248821

Whatever, Vanilla!

I bet he doesn’t wake up every morning slumped in a nursing chair with the sweet smell of a loaded, my-baby-just-started-solids diaper wafting through the air. It’s like Folgers took a crap in my cup.

Ok, maybe I do have a bit of a negativity problem. And I’m sure Vanilla Ice has woken up slumped over next to a pile of crap at least once in his life.

So that’s why this morning I made a concerted effort to clear my head of all negative thoughts and really get in touch with my inner Gandhi. …And?

Crickets.

I hate crickets. But I refused to give up and let this guy call me a loser:

75bc3a32a82137ff313ee342a52835eb

So twelve glasses of wine cups of coffee later I successfully joined the Everything-Is-Awesome, Delusional-Millennial Bullshit Way of Thinking when I came up with these 21 amazingly positive things about my life:

  1. Watching my husband deal with Jumper Shit–the mess that happens when your seven-month old craps her pants while jumping like a lunatic in her Fisher Price Jumparoo.
  2. The chronic yoga farter I get to call out every week.
  3. As a woman, I never have to worry about bat wings.
  4. I’ve had 4 hours of sleep this month (that’s 2 more hours than last month).
  5. I’m not a math teacher. Or an accountant. Or anything that has to do with numbers. (Barbie’s right, math is hard.)
  6. I have all my teeth.
  7. I don’t have scurvy
  8. I don’t have ebola.
  9. I’m not married to Kanye West.
  10. I’ve never experienced anal leakage.
  11. I’ve never peed my pants (on a Tuesday. In a church. Sitting next to a blind man).
  12. I have a wonderful, loving husband to yell at regularly.
  13. I successfully avoided getting lice from that homeless dude on the subway.
  14. I still have at least 15 years before my daughter yells, “It’s not a tramp stamp! I don’t care what you say!”
  15. I won $2 on a scratch off ticket, twice. So really I won $4. (Even I can do that math.)
  16. Having a baby girl means never having to explain a wet dream.
  17. I escaped pregnancy hemorrhoids (yup, be jealous).
  18. I gave birth at least 9 months before the next bathing suit season.
  19. The pregnant Mexican tarantula that was on the loose in Brooklyn a few months ago was just hoax. Whew!
  20. My husband acknowledges that skinny jeans are not right for his body type.
  21. My baby is already exhibiting signs of having a great sense of humor as evidenced by the belly laugh I get every time she pukes in my face.

Wow! Milenniels are right. Everything is awesome. Maybe I’ll get to punch one in the face today. (Hey, never underestimate the power of positive thinking, right?)

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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4 Responses to HEY, AT LEAST I HAVE ALL MY TEETH

  1. lapski says:

    good one !!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Becky says:

    OK, even though I have occasionally (cough, cough) disseminated some of that “everything is awesome” jargon, I had to laugh at your choices of positive thinking. The thought of Tom trying out skinny jeans made me giggle!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becky says:

    Oh and, please don’t punch me!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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