I wasn’t going to post today because as my husband says, “Nobody wants to hear from you every day. I sure don’t.”
Point taken. But I need to address something very serious.
Anyone who uses a blogging site is probably familiar with the Stats Page. This is where you can see how many people from around the world are reading your blog. (Don’t worry. It’s anonymous so if you stalk me daily I don’t know about it. And if you don’t, please do. All the best writers have stalkers.)
On the stats page there’s a section called Search Terms. It shows me the words people typed into their search bar that led them to my site. Usually it’s blank. But today, this popped up:
My heart goes out to this poor dude. I imagine him sitting on the couch salivating over an unopened bag of Doritos too hungry to hit “shift” to properly capitalize his question. Then when he finally hits “enter,” Google sends him to my site where all he finds are inane rants about octopuses and babies.
I hope he found his answer and attacked that bag like his baby’s been up all night and there’s nothing else in the house to eat but an old pork chop and a can of beans. But if not, and Google sends him to my page again I want him (and everyone who has ever questioned it) to know that YES! Doritos are ok to eat with Ebola.
In fact, I think the real question is: When are Doritos not ok to eat? Here’s a quick list:
- While brushing your teeth
- When you’re interviewing for a job at Tostitos
- If you’re giving someone a C-Section
- If you were just born
- If you found them in a hoarder house
- If you found them on the bus next to Poor-Decision-Making Rob Lowe’s tuna sandwich.
- In spin class
- In front of a starving homeless dog
- If you’re a personal trainer and you’re counting burpees for your client
- While you’re getting married (the crunch will echo in church…trust me)
- If you stole them out of my bag
I recommend Cool Ranch and Salsa Verde. And if you’re feeling really adventurous go for Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco. But get drunk before you eat it. That way if anyone calls you out on it you can say, “I don’t remember doing that at all.” Seriously, this strategy works. It got me through four years of college and it’s how I respond to anyone who asks me about writing this blog. Then I offer them a Dorito—but just one. Let’s not get crazy.