I was sipping my bucket of coffee the other morning when this article popped up in my news feed: Artec 3D Brings Incredible Shapify Booths to New Jersey Mall & I Got to Try One Out.

Great. Now instead of just Instagram’ing that pouty selfie of you and your Auntie Anne’s pretzel you can swing by the Shapify Booth and get a full-body 3D scan of your sexiest food pose. A week later they’ll mail you an impeccably detailed sandstone statute for you to display on your desk at work.

What’s worse is that someone said this about it:

Screen Shot 2015-04-10 at 3.01.11 PM

Two questions: 1) What kind of narcissistic a-hole needs to take their selfies to the next dimension? And, 2) Who’s up for a trip to the mall?

Sure, 3D technology has been around forever and it’s done some amazing things for people—like provide limbs for amputees. But now it’s available to mall goers so don’t be surprised if you see a lot of figurines that look like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force:


And let’s be honest, it won’t be long before this technology is available on our iPhones. I imagine by 2017 UPS will be delivering thousands of in-living-color statues from overzealous parents illustrating the very detailed moment when their little bundle of joy poked his head out of his mother’s womb. Ew.

Every frat house in America will have a glass trophy case filled with statues of the night they covered their newest pledge in maxi-pads after he peed himself in a drunken stupor.

And just imagine what it will do for the fake poop prank (finally, it’s customizable!), nudie magazines (12 year old boys will need deeper underwear drawers to accommodate all those 3D boobie statues) and politics (let’s just be glad Anthony Weiner didn’t have it on his smartphone.)

But that’s not all. Bigfoot hunters will get a clearer-than-ever view of the “Made in China” tag on the back of the costume. National Geographic will suddenly become the #1 cause of heart attacks when their most vivid African wildlife edition becomes a full-color, 3D popup. And, Elf on Shelf will be replaced with Self on a Shelf—or worse Great Uncle Fred or Cousin Edna on a shelf.

Gone are the days of cropping your ex’s face out of a photo. Now you can smash his head into a million little pieces and mail him the dust. And forget Photoshop—just glue your head onto Gisele Bundchen’s body.

But more importantly, where does Artec 3D expect us to store all of these selfie statues? The beauty of modern technology is that all of our most narcissistic moments are tucked neatly away on our hard drives for us to admire in secrecy the rest of our lives. The selfie statues will force us to choose between our winter wardrobe and twenty years of proof of good hair and makeup days.

Wow Artec 3D! Thanks for introducing us the most obnoxious, conceited, self-centered form of egotistical douchiness the world has ever seen. I’m appalled.


What time do you meet me at the mall? The first Auntie Anne pretzel is on me.

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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