When someone uses a douche-y word like “jocose,” and I’m not too sure what it means, I do what any writer would do—I smile and pretend I know what they’re talking about then Google it on my way to the bathroom.
Once I’m confident that I know the word, I nonchalantly spit it back at the same douche a few hours later, which usually ends up sounding something like, “Oh this coffee is so jocose.”
So to stay ahead of the game, I downloaded dictionary.com’s “Word of the Day” on my phone.
Yesterday I got this:
A situation like this usually summons one of two types of douches:
1. The douche that saw it pop-up and immediately pretended to know some nouveau grammatical rule for pronouncing an ampersand and a semi-colon when they appear within a word.
2. The slightly smarter douche that realized it must be a typo, clicked on the link and tried all day to use the real dictionary.com Word of the Day:
(Click here to hear the computer sound like Dracula.)
Sadly, I was a little of both douches yesterday. But before you roll your eyes too hard, know that I learned two valuable lessons: One, you really will sound like an asshole if you try to pronounce an ampersand and a semi-colon within a word. And two, you’re probably never going to answer, “Wait, what’s that word I’m looking for?” with, “‘Sblood.”
Until I read this:
Sweet Balls!! An offensive new word for me to exclaim! So in an effort to bring ‘sblood the swear word back, every time I had the urge to exclaim “BALLS!” (learn about my obsession here) I replaced it with “‘sblood.” And of course, it only works if you pronounce it properly, you know, like Dracula…
At the deli
Deli guy: We’re out of coffee.
On the subway
Announcer: Trains are running 10 minutes late
Me: You suck major ‘sblood MTA!
In the elevator
Random person: It’s hot in here
Me: Hot as ‘sblood!
Yeah. I’m not sold either. Balls to you ‘sblood! Though, I must point out that I found this experiment to be quite amusing. It was very jocose. (See! I know what it means Douchebag!)