I’ve been on a health kick lately. Not like a no-Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup health kick or anything crazy like that. They sell them in bite-sized minis now so that would just be unfair to The Hershey Company if their best customer stopped buying their new product.
Instead, it’s the kind of health kick that starts the moment I step out of the shower and think: Holy shit! How did that naked fat lady get in my bathroom?! Then quickly escalates when I realize that I’m the naked fat lady and I swear off food for the rest of my life. Or at least until mid-morning when I suddenly remember that I left that semi-full bag of Doritos under my desk. So I have “just one” until I remember that I have that mandatory all-staff meeting today where “pizza will be served.” So I think: Obviously, I have to eat the pizza because it says right there in the email that it’s mandatory so clearly not eating it would be bad for my career. That’s when I down the rest of the Doritos because what’s the harm when I’ve already committed to eating at least two slices of pizza for lunch? When I’m completely fine with the whole thing, I wake up the next morning only to find that stupid naked fat lady in my bathroom again. It’s a vicious cycle.
But before I lick the nacho cheese off of my fingers, I make a real effort to be healthy which usually translates to eating two hardboiled eggs and a banana from Pret a Manger. And every morning, the person at the register asks me the same horrifying question: Do you want a bag?
Um, WHAT??! Of course I want a bag!
Bananas are already the embarrassing fruit. Pair it with two hardboiled eggs and it’s just obscene. For those of you who don’t understand why, I’ll leave you with this 2007 drawing from the hit movie Superbad which I think perfectly illustrates my point without making me explain it. You know, because I’m a lady and all. (But not the naked fat lady in my bathroom…I don’t know who that bitch is.)