Since I’m so grateful (and shocked) that you guys keep coming back to read my blog, I feel like I should give something back. And since it can’t be money because I don’t have any, and it can’t be Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups because, well, I ate them all, I’ve decided to give you something even more valuable — stupid, useless knowledge.
So periodically I will post a list of useless shit that won’t do anything for you other than give you something awesome to talk about during those weird moments of awkward silence when you’re stuck in a conversation with someone you don’t really like. What an amazing gift, right?
Anyway, here’s the first issue #243 (because #1 seems so daunting). Have an awesome, awkward weekend!
THE USELESS SHIT LIST
1 . The Babadook on Netflix! No, it’s not some Italian dude who eats all your meatballs and puts his feet on your dinner table. That’s a mamaluke. A Babadook is a scary-ass Boogyman that will live in your baby’s room for weeks after you watch this movie. (And, if you don’t have a baby it will set up shop in your closet. So don’t think you’re off the hook.)
2. Cucumber Day in Russia! Click here to see a bunch of old, Russian broads celebrating their affinity for giant pickles.
3. The best advice you’ll ever get. The only thing scarier than getting eaten by a shark is getting killed by a woman making a video about sharks while she’s driving.
4. Here’s a movie I wrote for Tina Fey and Amy Pohler. No I didn’t. But I really, really wish I did. So I’m going to pretend that I did until it’s true which will never happen because someone else already wrote it. Unless someone invents a time machine but then I’d go back and write something that’s more of a moneymaker like The Passion of the Christ—because, you know, Jesus sells.
5. Google Hangouts and their Hidden Animated Emojis! I will only communicate with the outside world via an animated dancing fox and chicken. Apparently, this has been around forever but in case you missed it (like I did) you can learn what the hell I’m talking about here. You’re welcome.
And now, THE BLOGGER OF THE WEEK…
Every week I’ll call out one hilariously awesome writer that spewed something so I good I wish I wrote it. This week’s winner is Jill Pond at Totally Inappropriate Mom for her post about ass-crack hair. Check it out here: Long Hair In Your Ass Crack and Other Terrible Things.
Want to be The Spew‘s blogger of the week? Like me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter (see how I did that?) then I’ll like/follow you back so I can read your awesome posts every day. You can also send nominations to me here. Please note: While this title doesn’t come with anything of any real value, it does come with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re amazing.