I recently got into an unmarked car with a strange man who picked me up on the side of the road in one of New Jersey’s most notoriously dangerous cities. The police call this behavior unsafe and irresponsible. The general public calls it Uber Car.
On that note, here’s this week’s Useless Shit List…
1.) Biscuits and Gravy Lay’s Potato Chips! It’s time for Lay’s Do Us A Flavor competition. If you’re not familiar with this, it’s Lay’s yearly competition in which they ask the public to come up with chip flavors that sound absolutely disgusting.
My vote this year is for Biscuits & Gravy. When you first taste it you might be like, “This tastes like someone dumped Lipton soup into a bag of Lay’s potato chips. Ew.” But by the time you finish the bag (and you will) you’ll be like, “This tastes like someone dumped Lipton soup into a bag of Lays potato chips. And it’s de-fucking-licious!”
VOTE FOR BISCUITS & GRAVY NOW. Trust me, the world will be a better place with this chip in it. (And after voting you may even consider moving to Michigan where, as the map indicates, everything is amazing.)
3.) The UroClub
I don’t golf. But I pee. So I appreciate the sentiment behind this product. However, it’s completely and totally sexist. I challenge any woman to use the UroClub without soaking her shoes–except maybe Caitlyn Jenner. (If you’re offended by this comment, don’t be. It’s actually a huge compliment and anyone who says that her anatomy makes her any less of a woman is an idiot. And not just because gender is mental but also because they’ve obviously never been forced to balance their ass over a bush while they soak their shoes and their dress and curse God for not giving them a wiener. So you see, Caitlyn Jenner isn’t just a woman…she’s a super woman. I wonder if she golfs?)
4.) Batman vs. Superman Speaking of superwomen, this movie will be out in 2016 and nerds everywhere are in deep discussions about who will prevail. But to me, this seems like a really unfair fight because Superman is a superhero with, you know, superpowers, and Batman is just like a really rich Inspector Gadget.
And with that, nerds everywhere turned over in their mom’s basement. Sorry guys. If it makes you feel any better, Batman might still come out on top. He seems like more of a top than a bottom anyway. Right?
Here’s the trailer:
5.) Today’s Good Advice: Don’t Windex your magnifying makeup mirror. Keep a nice thick layer of dust on it at all times. Trust me. Seriously. Don’t do it. Ever.
IDIOT TEST ANSWER: If you said, “It’s the same thing, moron!” you’d be right! And clearly much smarter than me and my husband.
But why would I ask such a stupid question? Blame this perpetually happy talking tractor, Tec, that my 12-month-old forces me to watch every night.
In a recent episode, Tec went on a hunt for hen eggs to eat for breakfast and this conversation ensued between Tom and me:
Tom: I want to try hen eggs! They sound good.
Me: You have tried hen eggs, idiot. They’re just chicken eggs.
Me: Yes! … right? … I mean, I think so…
(Blank awkward stare)
Me: I want to try hen eggs too…
And, if you’d like to waste 13 minutes and 42 seconds of your life, here’s the Tec the Tractor episode that started it all, Hunting for Eggs.
And now, THE BLOGGER OF THE WEEK…
This week’s shout out goes to Stephanie Marsh at We Don’t Chew Glass for this hilarious post, The Tooth Fairy and Santa are Two Different Burglars. Seriously, even the title makes me laugh.
Want to be The Spew‘s blogger of the week? Like me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter (see how I did that?) then I’ll like/follow you back so I can read your awesome posts every day. You can also send nominations to me here. Please note: While this title doesn’t come with anything of any real value, it does come with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re amazing.