Why the hell do we ask if the “cat got your tongue?” What in god’s name were we doing to our cats to make them want to claw out our tongues? Or worse, what were we doing with our tongues so dangerously close to our cats?
Anyhow, here’s today’s Useless Shit List…
1.) God, I hate microfiber. If it were a person it’d be that friend at the party who doesn’t drink then calls you the next morning to tell you everything you said to your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend right after you downed that fifteenth Jell-O shot. Microfiber is such a jerk.
2.) Goodnight Moon: The Movie (starring Susan Sarandon)! For those of you who don’t have babies, Goodnight Moon is a bedtime story written by Margaret Wise Brown about a baby rabbit that repeatedly says goodnight to every fucking thing in his room. Including a “bowl full of mush” and a creepy “old woman whispering hush.” Which really bothers me because who the fuck sleeps next to a bowl full of mush?! Though if it was the rhyme she was going for then I suppose “a mouth full of thrush” would have been worse. So good choice Margaret!
If you have a baby, here’s the movie because I’m all about plopping my kid in front of TV as early as possible.
3.) “My name is Josh Duggar and I’m an asshole.” Josh Duggar checked himself into a “long-term treatment center” but not for drugs or alcohol or even a chocolate addiction. Nope. Instead, he’s being treated for being a huge gigantic asshole to his wife. I hope it works. I have a long list of people who could really use an intervention.
4.) Speaking of sexual deviants…can somebody please give Hans Solo (or Luke Skywalker or whoever the fuck this is) his lightsaber back? He’s been standing on my desk like this since our Cinco De Mayo office party. I feel violated.
And now, the
BLOGGER ARTIST OF THE WEEK
The best thing about having a blog (besides having a platform to say fuck) is all the love I get from my awesome readers. That’s why this week’s blogger is not a blogger at all but instead a very talented artist. Check out this amazing painting that Travis Wingate created for my daughter Alexandra based on my blog post, “How a Chicken Drawing Will Keep My Daughter From Dating Douchebags.”
To learn more about Travis Wingate (who is not a douchebag) check out his Instagram.
Want to be The Spew‘s blogger of the week? Like me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter (see how I did that?) then I’ll like/follow you back so I can read your awesome posts every day. You can also send nominations to me here. Please note: While this title doesn’t come with anything of any real value, it does come with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re amazing.