We ran out of toothpaste this morning. So I rummaged through my cabinets and found some weird PBA-free, gluten-free, low carb, phosphate-free, vegan toothpaste that was in a swag bag from some douche-y celebrity event that Tom went to a few months ago.

So I said, “Hey Tom, we ran out of toothpaste but don’t worry, I found some douchepaste in my bathroom that you can use.”

After a weird, awkward pause he finally said, “Ew.”

At first, I couldn’t imagine what could possibly be so ew about douchepaste but then I thought about it and yeah… ewwwww.

“That came out wrong,” I said. “I mean douchebag toothpaste. Um… wait. I mean toothpaste for douches. Hmm. Toothpaste that douchebags use? Ug! Whatever! Just shut up and use it.”

The whole thing made me think of an awesome idea for a very disturbing horror movie. But then I remembered that someone already wrote it. Damn it!

If you’re still not sure what it’s about here’s a poster.

I researched the writer Mitchell Litchtenstein and discovered that he’s the son of famous artist Roy Litchtenstein.

This made me feel a little better about him stealing my idea because poor Mitchell was probably exposed to all kinds of douche-y bathroom products growing up in a famous artist’s house. If not, I’d hate to know what else he was exposed to that sparked this idea. Ew. Either way, I’m comfortable giving him credit for it.

As for Tom, I hope he realized what douchepaste is and brushed his teeth today. Otherwise, he might be walking around with stank-ass douche breath. Wait. That came out wrong. I mean, he could be a stank-y douche. Ug! Forget it. You know what I mean!