JERRY THE BEAR

An amazing little startup company called, Sproutel asked me to write about their product Jerry the Bear.

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Without knowing anything about Jerry, I immediately jumped at the opportunity because—OH. MY. GOD! Is he like Ted?! Please say he’s like Ted! I love that movie!

Then I got to know Jerry and I felt terrible for making that comparison. Jerry is nothing like Ted. I don’t even think he drinks. In fact, Jerry is like Ted’s far more successful, better-looking, much younger, prodigy brother.

Sorry Ted.

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And the more I read about Jerry the more depressed I became knowing that a stuffed bear has accomplished more than me.

Like for starters, Jerry has done some truly amazing things to help kids with Type 1 Diabetes. And look at all of these awesome things people are saying about him. In fact, Good (a magazine for the global citizen) said that Jerry’s “on track to change the medical industry as we know it.”

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Even President Obama is impressed with this kid!

No wonder Ted drinks so much.

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And Sproutel tells me that Jerry is now equipped with medically validated curriculum to help all kids build healthy behaviors—not just those with Type 1 Diabetes.

Holy crap! Yessssss….

That means Jerry will teach my kid all of the good habits I pretend to have—like sharing, sleeping properly, exercising and eating right. Amazing! (Because I’m pretty sure it’s confusing for my kid to listen to me stress the importance of “eating her broccoli” as I jam a fistful of Reece’s into my mouth.)

The whole thing really inspired me.

So after I downed my second bottle glass of wine and rush-ordered Jerry the Bear to my house, I got to thinking: What other ways can I exploit stuffed animals for my personal gain? The possibilities seemed endless…

Jenna the Drunken Jackass
Thanks to Jerry the Bear, your baby is sleeping soundly by 7:30. Time to call a sitter, strap those hooker heels on and hit the bar (face first). In the morning, she’ll outline all of the embarrassing social media decisions she let you make all night and you can rip her head clean off of her body with no legal ramifications. You really can’t do that to a human friend, you know?

Paula the Pig
You just listened to Jerry go on and on about eating broccoli and lima beans. Oh shut up Jerry! Let Paula egg on your trash buds as you dive headfirst into a bag of Doritos then polish it off with a tub of Haagen Daz—because you do deserve it and of course you’ll go to the gym tomorrow. Why wouldn’t you? They welcome yoga pants, remember?

Betty the Badger
Let Betty nag your husband about all the things he does that piss you off—like snore in your face while you’re trying to watch Netflix. When he wakes up and flashes you a nasty look just point at Betty and shrug. You wouldn’t be lying. She really was the one who slapped him in the head… this time.

Chloe the Complimentary Cat
Chloe will tell you how beautiful you look even with yesterday’s mascara smeared all over your face and cake crumbs clinging to that Old Navy sweatshirt you’ve worn so much it just says “Old” now.

But remember, without good-natured, responsible Jerry the Bear to raise your kids for you, you’re just a bad (and really weird) parent that spends too much time with plush toys.

Learn more about Jerry (though I don’t know how much more you need to know) and pre-order him right now by clicking here. Then meet me at the bar. We’ll get drunk with Ted—the fat underachiever whose brother Jerry ruined his life.

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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