Maybe it’s the Sudafed talking (more on that in a minute) but why the fuck are we relying on a European model to tell us where the hurricane is headed? They don’t even get hurricanes in Europe!
On that stupid note, here’s today’s Useless Shit List.
1. So…Sudafed. My baby Elvirus (as my mother calls her) got me sick again so I’ve been hopped up on this stuff for three days now. So far, I pulled my pants up before I was done pee’ing (twice), got into an argument with my 13-month old about Cheeze-its and pulled a muscle in my groin laughing at the thought of European models predicting weather. This stuff is awesome! Get $1 off yours today!
3. Then there’s this poor guy! I bet he’s familiar with another common word in the English language: Virgin.
4. Scientists have discovered something called a sofa shark. Read about it here. I gotta say, there’s something really awesome about chilling on the couch with a shark. I wonder if he’d let me watch Jaws. Probably not. He’d probably be like, “That’s totally insensitive to sharks” or some lame shit like that. Ug. I hate sofa sharks.
5. Speaking of being insensitive… I’m probably going to get hate mail for this but I watched this entire PETA video that calls out all of the horrifying things that McDonald’s does to their chickens, and all I could think was: Holy Shit! McDonald’s uses real chicken?!
(You can send hate mail to email@example.com. And, in an effort to save my soul, you can save the chickens here.)
BLOGGER AUTHOR OF THE WEEK
This week’s shoutout goes to Joe Kelly for this really fun collection of poems titled, “The Octopus Barber.” I love it! And, that’s saying a lot considering I’m a huge octopussy. Get your copy today!
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