Tom and I were watching American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare when suddenly a creepy-ass, knife-wielding guy wearing a pig head jumped out of hiding and scared the shit out of Sara Paulson.
We both peed a little (or at least I did) and Tom suddenly declared, “Horror movies don’t happen in open floor plans.”
My gut reaction was to instantly shoot him down then make some comment that only I think is hilarious about how stupid he is for saying that. But since I recently read a well-crafted Huffington Post article about why that behavior might not be the best thing for a marriage, and may even indicate that I’m a sociopath, I reluctantly did the unimaginable—I thought before I spoke.
This was a new world for me so I really took my time with it. In fact, I spent about twenty minutes mentally reviewing the interior of every house in nearly every horror movie I have ever seen and…
Fuck. He was right.
I hate when he’s right. So to win this argument (that Tom doesn’t know we’re having) I came up with this list of horror movies that technically (if you open your mind really, really wide) take place in an open floor-like setting…ish.
One room. One really disgusting floor! Seriously, I’d cut my foot off too if I had to endure that.
The People Under The Stairs
This movie about a bunch of murderous, incestuous adult siblings living in the walls may have actually started the open-floor plan trend. And, that counts.
The Nightmare on Elm Street movies
I once had a dream that I was being chased by an army of face-eating bologna sandwiches. I’m not sure what that means except that the dream world has no walls. Wow, that was deep.
Open Water, Jaws, It Came From Beneath The Sea…(you get where I’m going here?)
The ocean is a wide-open place swimming with genetically mutated sharks, vicious extraterrestrial life forces, giant pre-historic lizards and hairy Italian dudes from North Jersey. And technically it does have a floor so it counts.
Do you know why no one can hear you scream in space? Because space is literally, the biggest open floor plan in the universe.
That’s all I got but think I’ve successfully proven Tom wrong…and The Huffington Post right. Actually, screw you Huffington Post! I may seek to dominate and win at all costs but at least I’m highly intelligent and incredibly charming. And, obviously, that’s all that matters.
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