I want to know the name of the very first woman who watched her husband leave for work then plopped down on the couch and said, “Women should go to work too!” Then I want to build a time machine and punch her in the face. But not before I tell her off:
Listen bitch, all you did was double our work! We’re supposed to be the smarter gender, but when was the last time you saw a man picketing for his right put in a full day’s work for less pay then come home to do the dishes, fold the laundry and stay up all night breastfeeding a newborn?
Take a cue from the insect world. Do you really think the queen ant would argue with the worker ants about who gets to troll the picnic scene for crumbs? Like she’s going to crack open a beer for them and say, “Hey guys, sit back, relax and let me carry that peanut home on my back. And whatever they’re paying you, tell them I’ll do it for less. In fact, I’ll even clean this place for free every day because, shit, we’re ants not pigs!”
What the fuck, Lady! Is an ant really smarter than you?!
What you should be fighting for is your God given right as a woman to use men as slave labor. They were obviously built for the part with those big hairy arms and legs. We all know that anything they can do we can do way, way better. But let’s chose wisely and make them schlep back and forth to work every day. And just for fun, let’s make them do it in heels!
Or maybe you should be fighting for a woman’s right to free daycare (run by men, of course) because it’s nearly impossible to enjoy an afternoon cocktail with a house full of kids. This is something I wouldn’t know firsthand because, thanks to you, I’m always at work!
Maybe you don’t see it this way because Netflix and social media haven’t been invented yet. I can understand how bored you might get not being able to binge watch Friends or turn yourself into Kylie Jenner on Snapchat.
And yes, I totally agree that a woman’s place is not in the kitchen. But shit, it’s also not behind a desk or on some smelly commuter train!
A woman’s place is on a balmy tropical beach while the men are at home funding her wine habit and cleaning out the fridge.
So the next time you get the urge fight for something, just remember these very profound words that Blanche Devereaux once uttered to a male suitor, “I don’t want to be your equal. I want to be treated a lot better than you!” Then use your womanly power to manipulate men into doing all the grunt work you’re too smart (or too drunk) to do yourself. It’s what She intended.
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