dick holes

Last night I was wearing Tom’s sweatpants because I didn’t want to risk spraining my other wrist (ouch) by jamming my postpartum ass into my own pants.

I had them on for about 10 seconds when I suddenly noticed a cool breeze “down there.” I didn’t even have to look to know what I was dealing with…

A dick hole.

Dick holes are zipper-less slits in the crotch of men’s pants so that they can more easily relieve themselves. They’ve been around forever but, as of late, every time I encounter one I think the same thing: What the fuck! A surgeon sliced open my abdomen and ripped a human out of my uterus (twice) and these assholes don’t even have to unzip their pants to take a piss!

Tom swears that no one ever uses the dick hole. But the fact that they still make pants like this tells me that a least a small percentage of the male population think they need it.

I’m sure it’s the same population that think they need the shit flap.

And the beer helmet.

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-9-44-00-am

And I bet they also invented the UroClub. (Remember this? The golf club that discriminates against all women except Caitlin Jenner.) They were probably sitting around one afternoon sipping Budweiser from their helmets when one said to the other, “I’m so glad we don’t have to hold those heavy beer cans anymore. If only there was a way for us to discreetly piss ourselves while we play golf…”

Wow. Imagine coming home to a dude wearing a beer helmet relieving himself in a golf club after he just used the shit flap?

Crap.

I think I dated him. And he probably makes more money than me now.

Ugh! What a dick hole.

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About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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10 Responses to dick holes

  1. janetlanzi says:

    Very funny, but your mom thinks you have a potty mouth! 🙂

    Like

  2. iglengel says:

    Sorry Diana, love your blog, but…. Gotta agree with mom on this one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lapski says:

    you keep getting better and better !!!!!! love it !!!!!

    Like

  4. Susan Kubo says:

    I’m caught between wanting to shove a bar soap in your mouth and running to the bathroom cause I peed in my pants. Darn you, Diana Davis!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The Rambler says:

    Hahahahaha!!! So funny! And then I laughed harder when I saw your comment banter with your mom! But I have to like wave my blog in front of my mom and say read, read…please! (Kidding, she’s my #1 too, when she remembers).

    Like

  6. Loved this and I am a fellow potty mouth blogger! We RULE! lol But your mom is hysterical! My dad does that to me on my Facebook page. lol Keep ’em coming!

    Liked by 1 person

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