I take my coffee beige. Not brown or ivory or that awful cadaver gray color you get when you use skim milk. And certainly not black—Jesus, who do I look like, Vin Diesel? I assume he takes his coffee black since his name perfectly describes the way it tastes.

Nope. I take my coffee beige—like if Bambi were a cup of coffee I’d enjoy her with a Krispy Kreme cruller in the morning.

But you might be asking, “Isn’t all coffee beige?”

NO!

Well, maybe. But not all coffee is Bambi Beige.

To prove this, I made this chart called 5 Shades of Coffee. It’s like the working mother’s version of that erotic romance novel/movie, 50 Shades of Grey—because, sadly, once you have babies, the most erotic moment in your life is that first sip of hot, steamy joe after pulling an all-nighter with a sleep-confused infant and a toddler who’s afraid of her nightlight.

But the real question is: Can you identify the one that’s Bambi Beige? Here’s a hint: It’s the second one in from the left. More specifically…

Did you guess it? Probably not. Coffee color blindness is the #1 cause of imaginary murder in the United States. I mean, who doesn’t spend all day thinking of ways to kill the pimply teen at Dunkin’ Donuts when he fucks up your coffee?

So, consider this post a PSA.

Below is a perforated version of The Spew’s 5 Shades of Coffee for you to print, laminate and keep in your wallet. Every morning as your buying your coffee, whip out this color chart and see if the coffee they hand you matches your version of the perfect cup. If not, throw your coffee in the face of the person who poured it for you. No, don’t do that. I’m totally kidding. (Kinda.) Instead, use it to point out the person’s mistake in a really obnoxious, condescending way until they pour you a new cup and apologize for almost ruining your day… or until they spit in it (you weren’t going to drink it anyway). Either way, you’ll feel vindicated that you stood up for your coffee preferences.

You’re welcome America. And, you’re welcome pimply teen at Dunkin’ Donuts. I just saved you from getting imaginary killed at least 50 times today.

Oh, and because my husband insists that not everybody always needs to agree with me and that I should open my mind to other people’s opinions, here’s a poll for you:

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IF YOU LIKE THIS POST, DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!