THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#249)

This morning I looked down at my coffee and it was like, “You haven’t written a useless shit list in how long!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”


So here it is…#249. If you hate it, blame Tim Horton. (Great coffee, by the way.)

THE SLEEPING DEAD
The Walking Dead was so boring this week that I had to reduce my commentary to a bullet point in this list:.

First, did I sleep through the scene where Negan ripped off Rick’s balls and put them on a shelf in next to the Governor’s decapitated head collection?

Negan took his guns, his mattresses and most of his medicine. And what did Rick do? He thanked him!

“Carl, where’s my balls?”

screen-shot-2016-11-16-at-1-18-01-pm

“I think they’re gone, Dad.”

screen-shot-2016-11-16-at-1-30-00-pm

Second, maybe it’s what’s happening in the world right now but when Rick said to the townspeople, “I’m not in charge anymore…” Am I the only one who thought he was going to follow that up with, “Trump is?”

Third, at the end of this episode, Rick told us that Judith is not his baby.

Duh.

GUM GANG
I was on my way to work this morning when I saw a van with the words “Gum Gang” written in big letters on the door.

Do you think it was supposed to be “Gun Gang” and when the gang leader picked up his van from the detailer he threw his hands in the air and was like, “Great! Who let the guy with the speech impediment call for the logo!?”

I can only imagine that call:
“You mean gun gang?”
“That’s what I said, gum gang!”

I didn’t take a picture of the van because if it really is a Gum Gang, I don’t want to mess with them. There’s nothing worse than trying to peel Hubba Bubba out of your hair.

MY SWEET HUBAND
Tom said to me this morning, “You’d be a lot prettier if I didn’t have to see your stupid face every day.” And again I ask, where’s the ban on straight marriage?

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
I don’t know what’s more horrifying, the fact that Amazon sells a Chinese soup container filled with 1,500 live ladybugs, or the fact that there are only 2 left in stock.

Screen Shot 2016-11-17 at 4.22.57 PM.png

Somewhere in the world there must be an insect rights group up in arms about this. Actually, they’re probably busy fighting for Donald Trump right now.

AND NOW, THE BLOGGER BRILLIANT IDEA OF THE WEEK  (brought to you by, me)

Ahhhhhhhhhh fucking politics, right?! Copy and paste the status update below into your preferred social media platform and let’s get back to knowing too much about each other’s lunch choices and foot rashes…

#Spewlove // You’re totally sick of angry political posts, right? Me too. So this is my last ditch effort at getting social media back to annoying pics of babies you’ll never meet, puppies you don’t want and bullshit status updates about how wonderful everybody’s life is.

Copy and paste this into your status, post 3 photos that make you smile (and have nothing to do with the election) and tag 3 of your closet friends that you know will do the same.

P.S. If you do this, don’t tag me. I hate doing this shit. But YOU totally should do it because just like my theory about getting a flu shot–if everyone around me does it, I don’t have to.

Want to be featured on The Spew? Like me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter (see how I did that?) then I’ll like/follow you back so I can read your awesome posts every day. You can also send nominations to me here. Please note: While this honor doesn’t come with anything of any real value, it does come with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re amazing.

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About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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5 Responses to THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#249)

  1. janetlanzi says:

    I Like you on all forms of social media BUT DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT FEATURE ME ON THE SPEW! I take enough abuse from you on the phone and in person. Love, your Ma BTW: This one was hilarious! 🙂

    Like

    • Susan Kubo says:

      Janet, if u think this is hilarious you should have heard some of the things she came out with when I worked with her back in the pleisticin era. And she could crack me up in staff meetings with just one look. Beautiful grand daughters!

      Like

  2. Diana Davis says:

    Wait, did you just call me old?! Ha

    Like

  3. lapski says:

    post pics !!!!!! can i post pics of YOU ???? i got some great ones !!!!! haha !!! you are lucky, i don’t know how to post pic !!!! love ya, great blog !!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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