I’ve heard rumors that babies are in the best mood when they first wake up in the morning. And that upon hearing a soft, sweet cooing coming from the nursery, the parents of these babies walk in and are greeted with big gummy smiles that say, Good morning adoring Parents!
Not my babies.
My babies open their eyes and let out an ear piercing screech as if they suddenly realized that they’re chained to a pipe in a dark bathroom and the only hope for freedom is to saw off their own foot.
What’s worse is that the older one screams for my mother the second she sees my face. I get it. The stress and exhaustion of having two babies less than two years apart has given me a sort of Lord of the Rings, Gollum-like glow. And it probably doesn’t help that I usually try to comfort her by stroking her hair and saying, “Don’t cry my precious little baby.”
But still, I’m starting to get a complex. So to make myself feel better I’ve composed this list of reasons my kids might be starting their day in such horror (other than the grim reality that I’m their biological mother).
- It’s Tom. He’s responsible for everything including rain on the weekends and when the guy at the deli doesn’t put enough cream cheese on my bagel.
- They discovered that there are people who work at delis that don’t understand that bagels only exist because it’s socially unacceptable to eat cream cheese with a spoon.
- They have to endure another 18 to 20 more sober holiday seasons before the government says it’s OK for them carry a flask in their bra.
- Based on genetics, they discovered they’ll probably never wear a bra big enough to successfully hide a flask.
- Their grandmother and Connie are the only people who read The Spew.
- Open-mouth chewers exist.
- So do people who put their feet on my coffee table (if I had one).
- We can’t afford a coffee table (because the state says babies need to eat food, not drink coffee at a really awesome Restoration Hardware coffee table…even if it’s on sale.)
- People who constantly say, “No worries,” even when their is a clear reason to worry like there’s a huge tarantula in my car and I still have another 5 miles to drive.
- If you Google “Tarantino” horrifying images of giant tarantulas will populate until you get to the “ino,” in his name.
- Their father sometimes ends sentences with prepositions (like “What do you have to be so afraid of spiders for?”)
- Grammar snobs that pick on their husbands.
- Ivy League snobs that pick on grammar snobs.
- Dumb people who think they’re smart
- Smart people who think they’re dumb
- People at Costco who stand in line for 20 minutes for a piece of cheese on a toothpick.
Wow! I think I hit the nail on the head. How about you? Oh, I also hate people who use cliches when they speak. (But this is about what my kids think…not me, right?)
I guess there’s also a slight chance that they’re waking up in such horror because I constantly write about them on the Internet and sometimes use them as an excuse to make a long list of my pet peeves. But that’s just a guess, I don’t want to start any rumors…