The Blannel

Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Probably because today was the first time I sat next to this guy on the train.

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At first I was like: Why does he have bacon just sitting on his lap like that without a plate or a napkin to stop the grease from making that gross wet spot that never dries? People are going to gawk at his crotch all day. Ew. Maybe that’s what he’s going for. I mean I’m gawking at his crotch right now. Ug. What a jerk. But more importantly, it’s been at least 10 minutes, why hasn’t he eaten it yet?!  

Then it suddenly occurred to me: Wow. Orange plaid looks a lot like bacon. 

And, just like that I came up with the most brilliant idea since pajama jeans. Yes! A flannel made of bacon…The Blannel.

The Blannel will revolutionize life as we know it….

Forget pheromones and Axe deodorant. With the blannel people won’t be able to get enough of you. And dogs. Dogs will love you. Maybe even raccoons and possums.

Thanks to the Blannel, millions of homeless people will suddenly have access to food and clothing! And, tardiness will become a thing of the past as employees everywhere are able to iron their shirt and make breakfast at the time same.

Yes, Blannels are sensible, biodegradable and delicious but as with anything there are a few considerations. Like if you’re really hungry you could end up shirtless by lunchtime and maybe even dead because, let’s be real, nobody should consume enough bacon to cover their entire upper body.

And of course, vegetarians will hate you. But don’t sweat it. (Seriously, sweat and bacon are a terrible mix.) Instead, just tell them that you’re “making a statement,” and before you know it there will be 100,000 angry vegetarians marching through your city taking selfies in a blannel.

Also, you should probably store your blannel in the fridge. Luckily, refrigerators were designed to be dressers. I mean why else would they come with drawers?

Yup, Oscar Mayer is the new Oscar de la Renta. Who knew? Probably that guy on the train with the bacon on his lap.

Let’s look at it again. That’s some flannel-y looking bacon. In case you’re still unclear, that’s actually his orange flannel shirt sticking out of the bottom of his jacket. 

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Wow. This guy is amazing. Not only did he inspire the greatest idea of all time but I’m still gawking at his crotch. And, now, so are you.

Ew.

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.
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One Response to The Blannel

  1. janetlanzi says:

    Funny, but also very disturbing that you took a picture of some guys crotch. So wrong on so many levels….

    Like

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