Ever since I time travelled last week I can’t stop thinking about turkey neck. If you have no idea what it is then you’ve obviously never walked down the health and beauty aisle at Costco. Nothing kills that buzz you get from saving 2 bucks on 12 sticks of deodorant like a multi-million dollar beauty company questioning the integrity of your neck skin.
Is turkey neck really that big of a problem in this country that the R&D team at StriVectin was able to reasonably justify spending millions of dollars to prevent it? (I mean isn’t stupid fuck a much bigger problem? Where’s the cream for that StriVectin?) And, I hope that budget allows for animal testing because if I’m gonna dish out 70 bucks for turkey neck cream I want to know it works on a turkey.
Also, it’s pretty shitty of us to call turkeys out for being flabby in the first place. Aren’t we the reason they’re so fat? I’m sure there’s a farmer out there right now slipping a Baby Ruth to an underweight bird all so that in a few months we can gather around it’s picked over carcass with our pants unbuttoned and complain that “turkey is so dry.”
Speaking of Thanksgiving, why is it the only holiday that encourages us to eat the mascot? For consistency, shouldn’t we be eating fat white guys on Christmas and leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day? Or at least have it on the table as an option?
Turkeys should revolt against this blatant injustice. They should demand that all mentions of the first Thanksgiving be removed from history books nationwide (and maybe even eat a pilgrim to see how they like it). They should flood the Internet with heart-wrenching stories of Thanksgivings past, written one sentence at a time on 5000 pieces of white board. They should gather in cities across the nation holding picket signs and wearing anatomically correct crocheted hats. Yes! They should do all of these things and more.
But first they should swing by the labs at StriVectin and slather their necks with some turkey neck cream because 70 bucks is 70 bucks, right? Plus, who wants to look like a turkey? They’re so fat and flabby. Ew.