Author Archives: Diana Davis

About Diana Davis

I’m a writer with a blog that will send my kids to therapy one day. Until then I invite you to laugh with me at their expense. Don't worry they love it. They're smiling already—or maybe that’s just gas.

The Blannel

Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Probably because today was the first time I sat next to this guy on the train. At first I was like: Why does he have bacon just sitting on his lap like that without … Continue reading

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Graffiti Dick

This morning I was stuck sitting on a train that didn’t budge for 15 minutes and while I would normally spend that time cursing out the train conductor and questioning all of my life decisions, instead I spent that time staring … Continue reading

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BrundleElmo

Alex went to a birthday party yesterday and an incredibly talented balloon artist made her this Elmo. One night in my house with my kids and Elmo looks like this… BrundleElmo. Only a true horror fan will get that reference. If … Continue reading

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Mack N. Cheese

My 2 year-old Alexandra eats Kraft Macaroni and Cheese every single day of her life. Even if I offer her something else (like peanut butter cups and vodka) she’ll still drag herself across the floor and cry until I produce a plate of macaroni and cheese. … Continue reading

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What if God is a cod?

I’m a practicing “Bad Catholic.” That means the closest I come to going to mass is shouting, “Holy Shit! Learn how to drive, Jackass!” from my car window at churchgoers who don’t pay attention to traffic signals. I never know … Continue reading

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The Spew Bib

Now your infant can tell the world she’s gonna spew (it’s the considerate thing to do) with the bib that will change your life forever (lies). You’ll be revered for your impeccable taste in bibware (your husband will think it’s … Continue reading

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy 2017!  As you try to remember where you left your bra last night and start trying to redeem yourself by writing resolutions, remember that there’s nothing greater than the feeling of accomplishment. So aim low. Really, really low and 2017 … Continue reading

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What’s wrong with my kids?

I’ve heard rumors that babies are in the best mood when they first wake up in the morning. And that upon hearing a soft, sweet cooing coming from the nursery, the parents of these babies walk in and are greeted … Continue reading

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MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

It took me like 30+ years, four years of marriage and two babies but I finally did it! I made Christmas cards.  How exciting.  So what do you think it will take for me to actually send them?  Ok, that’s … Continue reading

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A Pubic Service Announcement 

I Windex’d my magnifying mirror this morning. From now on I will only interact with cataracts and glaucoma patients.  I’m also putting back the layer of dust I removed and adding an extra layer to all of my mirrors. Then I’m … Continue reading

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