Tag Archives: amy schumer

Graffiti Dick

This morning I was stuck sitting on a train that didn’t budge for 15 minutes and while I would normally spend that time cursing out the train conductor and questioning all of my life decisions, instead I spent that time staring … Continue reading

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BrundleElmo

Alex went to a birthday party yesterday and an incredibly talented balloon artist made her this Elmo. One night in my house with my kids and Elmo looks like this… BrundleElmo. Only a true horror fan will get that reference. If … Continue reading

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What if God is a cod?

I’m a practicing “Bad Catholic.” That means the closest I come to going to mass is shouting, “Holy Shit! Learn how to drive, Jackass!” from my car window at churchgoers who don’t pay attention to traffic signals. I never know … Continue reading

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The Spew Bib

Now your infant can tell the world she’s gonna spew (it’s the considerate thing to do) with the bib that will change your life forever (lies). You’ll be revered for your impeccable taste in bibware (your husband will think it’s … Continue reading

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy 2017!  As you try to remember where you left your bra last night and start trying to redeem yourself by writing resolutions, remember that there’s nothing greater than the feeling of accomplishment. So aim low. Really, really low and 2017 … Continue reading

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A Pubic Service Announcement 

I Windex’d my magnifying mirror this morning. From now on I will only interact with cataracts and glaucoma patients.  I’m also putting back the layer of dust I removed and adding an extra layer to all of my mirrors. Then I’m … Continue reading

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The Girls

I have two daughters— a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old and although their names are Alexandra (Alex) and Charlotte (Charley) everyone insists on referring to them as “the girls.” While it’s a totally reasonable (and very accurate) description of them, no … Continue reading

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dick holes

Last night I was wearing Tom’s sweatpants because I didn’t want to risk spraining my other wrist (ouch) by jamming my postpartum ass into my own pants. I had them on for about 10 seconds when I suddenly noticed a … Continue reading

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I LOOK AMAZING FOR 55!

Why is it that when women lie about their age and their weight they always go younger and thinner? To me it makes more sense to go older and fatter. Because if I tell everyone that I’m 21 and weigh … Continue reading

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