Tag Archives: funny

I’m so excited I can eat my own brain.

You guys, you guys, you guys! It’s The Walking Dead premiere weekend! In case you’re new here, I’m completely obsessed with this show and the impending zombie apocalypse. In fact, every time I exhibit bad mom behavior (like forgetting to … Continue reading

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dick holes

Last night I was wearing Tom’s sweatpants because I didn’t want to risk spraining my other wrist (ouch) by jamming my postpartum ass into my own pants. I had them on for about 10 seconds when I suddenly noticed a … Continue reading

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Ouch. 

I sprained my wrist. For days I had no idea how and I swear the memory loss was from sleep deprivation and not vodka (this time). I assumed it was from lugging around a 35 pound toddler and a 20 … Continue reading

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Do two-year olds go through cannibal phases?

Last night, I asked my two year old, Alex, what she ate for lunch and she said “Layla.” Admittedly, she probably spends way too many hours a week at daycare and I should definitely know what they’re feeding her for … Continue reading

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Raw Pork. It’s what’s for dinner.

Lately I’ve been playing Chopped in my kitchen. It’s that show on the Food Network where they give the contestants a basket full of random shit like kumquats, cotton candy and a hundred year old egg (it’s a real thing) … Continue reading

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I just discovered Snapchat…

…so now all of my baby’s pictures will look like this. Is there such a thing as postpartum hysteria because I can’t stop laughing.

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I should have done this when I was 16

I used to watch 16 and Pregnant and be all judge-y like, “Oh my god! Those girls are so dumb. I’m so much smarter than them.” Then I was 39 and pregnant and suddenly I was like, “Oh my god! I … Continue reading

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Chapter 2: And That Was The First Time My Mother Stuffed My Bra With Socks

***If you’re like, what the fuck is this? Read these chapters first:  Introduction: I’m Writing a Blook. (But You Probably Think I’m Off To A Bad Start Since I Don’t Even Know How To Spell Book.) Chapter 1: My Childhood Summed … Continue reading

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Chapter 1: My Childhood Summed Up Through a Bunch of Weird and Somewhat Offensive Shit I Was Told Before I was 12

This list consists mostly of things that my grandmother or my mother told me. But if you ask my mother she will vehemently deny it and if you ask my grandmother, you’re probably a medium and that’s really awesome, but … Continue reading

Posted in apartment living, art, babies, books, exercise, family, fitness, food, friends, fun, good advice, health, hockey, Humor, labor, Love, mad, Marriage, mother, pregnancy, random rants, random shit, the slightly exaggerated story of my life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

THE USELESS SHIT LIST (#248)

Maybe it’s the Sudafed talking (more on that in a minute) but why the fuck are we relying on a European model to tell us where the hurricane is headed? They don’t even get hurricanes in Europe! On that stupid … Continue reading

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